Jo Hamilton - There It Is

just listen......for me

There was a fly on the windshield this Summer. I tried to save it 10 times in one day. It kept flying around trying to save itself...Then it died.

People are like that..

They think they are their own saviors. In some ways we are our own saviors. But we need help from others too at times.

There was a squirrel a few days ago that ran across the street in front of me. I stopped, then it ran back in the street. I stopped again, and it ran back across. I drove on..An the car behind me hit it because it ran out in the road again.

I was sad. I had tried to help the squirrel. But it wouldn't let me.

Indecisiveness killed it...

We can spend our whole lives trying to decide what we want, what we need, when it is right there in front of us. Calling out, "Right here, I am right here." We often choose the easiest route. Not because it is the best. But because it is the most familiar, and comfortable. Like an old pair of shoes that stink. But we can't bear to get rid of them, so we put up with the stink.

We plod along, reaching for the next rung on the ladder. Putting the career that we want most in the back of our minds. Maybe because we haven't had encouragement. Maybe because we are scared to succeed.

So we sweat, we cry, we lay broken in a heap on the ground, trying to figure ourselves out.

Sometimes we need to be carried..

We need others to see what we can do, what we are capable of..And we need to encourage people around us to use the talents they have. Don't expect your son or daughter to take over your business when you are gone.. They may want a life of their own.

They may want their own career..That they choose. Not you

We need the arms of the Creator to hold us..Closely

We need to see that 1 set of footsteps in the sand

To have our heads anointed with oil

To be immersed in peace..

To be be saved....


Nita Barrow-Zimmerman
December 5Th, @ 2010

Maroon 5 She Will Be Loved lyrics

the The - Love Is Stronger Than Death

Just hit the button in the middle of video..it will lead you right to youtube...you won't be disappointed, really

A Heart Needs A Home- Loudon Wainwright and Shawn Colvin

I did not know where I lived was not acceptable, until the rich man came

and told me it wasn't

I did not know my house was not good enough, until the white man came and told me it wasn't

I thought my worn, green floors held me upright when sorrow took hold

But in his narrow view he missed that

I felt like my wind chimes, hanging like silver stars on the front porch, played me love songs all day

The kitchen window let me see the moon , and the stars peeked in on me, from my bedroom window each night


I knew my spirit resided in my home


And, that my tribe have gathered here for many years, for happy times, birthdays, funerals and mourning's


Our spirits inhabit the halls and walls, there were no ghosts here, only in your mind


No, you saw clutter, where there was creativeness. You saw messes where I saw love

Yes, you saw that


But this, I know, I saw that home is not a building. It was with each other. That's what I saw.


Nita Barrow- Zimmerman @ November 7, 2010

I remember the first time we kissed

It was the meeting of two love starved souls, coming together

When our lips met, I was flooded by a I love I've never known

When I touched your skin, I wanted to heal every scar made upon you, and remove all the unnecessary burdens placed upon your mind

I wanted to steal the pain from your mind, even if it meant that I would go stark raving mad, by taking it in me

Just to make you whole


I wanted to sacrifice my life on the bed of your broken dreams, and make them happen for you


My eyes wanted to see you smile more days, than you did not


I stared at you, and my words wouldn't come. Because all I could see was your soul shining like a million diamonds in the most brilliant sun


And now I lay in a river of despair, praying for the river to take me to a place of healing


My eyes turned upward to a grey, stark, raining sky

My hands stretched out on the waters of my defeat
like Christ on the Cross

I pray aloud, " Oh, Father why hath thou forsaken me?"


Nita Barrow- Zimmerman November3, @2010

Everything But the Girl Driving

I want to believe you left your watch behind, on purpose,
silver side up on my bedroom dresser


I want to believe it was your intention, you saying, pay attention to what's important


That you left it behind, for me to know, that you are thinking of me every minute of the day......I want to believe


Nita Barrow- Zimmerman

November 2, 2010

Kathleen Edwards - Mercury

I want to lay in a field shorn of all its burdens


In my old, pale blue jeans with my torn black shirt


I want to lay with my arms stretched straight to the earth



As I lay on the dust of all dead men


My darkened eyes taking in the greatness of the vast, immense sky


A sky that has seen everything that all men have done


Loved, fought, killed, raped, cared, shared


My hands look like mock wings stretched out before it, with my wrists bent and my palms kiss the sky


Nita Barrow- Zimmerman

@ 2010

Slay me now if you intend to leave love


Because I do not want to to feel the warmth of Summer upon my face without you near


I would not wish to hear the song of the Robin in Spring if you were not along.....


Snow would lose its meaning and daylight would be grey


The setting sun would be a tombstone in my heart, even if if it was in magnificent shades of purple and pink


So Slay me if you intend to go- For I am dead without you


But if you choose to stay


Wrap me in your arms so tight...every night


Let me cry when we make love


Ease the burdens in my heart and I shall ease yours


Let us know each other in complete and total love




By Nita Barrow- Zimmerman @ 2010


{this song goes with my poem}

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

This is beyond amazing... If You want to be shook to the root of your being....Listen

Self Portrait

Guess what I have learned? Even though we go through struggles and trials.. The attitude " WE HAVE" is what makes or breaks us...Not the circumstances..}



xoxo Nita

Cloud Illusions...

A photo I took about a month ago..I have some really fine photos I have taken this Summer.. I hope you like it..


xoxo Nita

I have good news..Elizabeth's spleen has shrank considerably...I credit that for every one's prayers..Thank you so much. She still has pain, but they are trying to figure out what to do. There is progress though..Thank God for that.


love Nita

Hope...

photo by Nita @ 2010

Elizabeth is out of the hospital. But she is not out of the woods. They are going to begin a treatment plan for her. They have more tests to do to try to pinpoint what this is. It is directly linked to her spleen. But they are not sure if it is her spleen totally. I believe one reason they let her go was because she has no health coverage.

She is on pain medication to keep down the pain. But there has to be an answer to this. I have been researching her condition. I hope we will have an answer soon on how to help her. Because her life is on hold till then. Because of all the pain. She can't work. Can't go to school. Because of the pain.

If anyone has any ideas please e-mail me or leave a comment.

love Nita


They were going to remove the spleen, but they want to be sure that is the right thing to do.

Elizabeth was admitted to Barnes Hospital in St. Louis this past Thursday. I have not left her side. She is getting a liver biopsy tomorrow. I am crying so hard right now that I can't hardly breath. She has suffered so much the last 1 1/2 year ..They have done so many tests. They do believe it is her spleen but have to be positive before removing it.

Some times I feel like sorrow knows no limit...I am praying and having faith that she will be ok.

She is asleep. She is in so much pain. Please pray for her and me.

Sorry...

love Nita

Please Pray for Elizabeth

Please pray for Elizabeth she was rushed to the hospital today..She is getting her spleen removed next week. She is in serious condition. Please pray.

Love Nita

Grow....

She taught me that grief is a time to be lived through, experienced fully, and that the heavens will not fall if I give voice to to my anger against God in such a time. - Elizabeth Watson

My anger is legitimate, and will burn away sooner if I acknowledge and express it.

it may be that some little root of the scared tree still lives
Nourish it then
that it may leaf and bloom and fill with singing birds -Black Elk

These words were taken from the book, "Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman

A truly wonderful book..I encourage anyone who is going through a hard time to buy it or rent it from the library.

I took the photo of the Wisteria vine about a month ago..I hope you like it.

Love Nita

Seasons...

Their house was my refuge when I was small. My Grandma and Grandpa Barrow's house.

Grandma had a back porch that was painted mint green and was filled with vines. And every kind of plant you could imagine. When I was little I use to hide in a corner on the back porch and pretend I was in a jungle. I imagined the attic had monsters and a ghost lived in the well.

This time of the year makes me think of them so strongly.

My Grandfather was a warm loving man who taught me to love gardening. He would say, " Nene, you always plant your garden the second week of May. That way the frost is gone and the maple seeds have already dropped. Maple seeds here can be quite a burden. We call them whirly jigs. They are lovely falling down. Like anxious fairies looking for homes. But everywhere they light they bring more trees.

Grandma and Grandpa's house was right across the street from my grade school. And even now when I pass their home my heart aches.

In my mind I see Grandma hanging clothes out on the clothesline. Smiling as she sang amazing grace. I see Grandpa bent over in the garden tying strings to the pole beans..

I have learned that people are in our lives for a season. Some will always be there. From birth to death. Some for just a few months. Some for a week. We must take everything good from the people around us and discard the bad.

Learn the lessons they have to teach us and be willing pupils. Accept what you feel is right and don't take in what you think is wrong.

So today I encourage you to love those around you..They may only be there for a short while. And live like this was your last day on earth everyday.

xoxo Nita


tonight's song is, Home by Joe Diffie

A song close to my heart...hope you like it

I was thinking about so many things today..I thought about the way my Mom taught me how to make my bed at the age of 4..How she would smile at me with her broken eyes..And explain to me gently how to tuck corners and pull the bedspread over the pillows, and how to tuck the cover under the pillows.

She said, "Nita, we make beds so our room will look nice..Do you understand."

"Yes Momma, I do." And I would hug her legs so tight.

She went through so much..We all go through so much on this earth don't we?

We struggle and we wonder, "Why is this happening to me." We wonder, "Can I make it?"

You can make it. You will live. It is going to hurt like hell sometimes. But I have found this out. In my darkest night God is the light to my path.

I have been through things that would make strong men weak.

I have came close to having a complete and total nervous breakdown in the past 3 years, a few times. But, when I saw myself headed that way. I reached out for help. I went to consoling. I am not too proud to admit that.

Struggle makes us see the true person we are, I believe that.

I send you love...Don't give up..Love Nita

tonight's song, is the video beneath this post, an old favorite... Dancing When the Stars Go Blue by Ryan Adams

my thought for the evening too, "people can't be replaced" sometimes we have such a deep connection to another human being we don't even realize it until they are gone from our life.

Ryan Adams - "When the Stars Go Blue"

I had some important things come up yesterday and could not post..It will be a couple of days..
love Nita

Tomorrow night

Tomorrow night I will have a new post...It will be really good..I have been thinking about it for days.
I can't wait..I am writing it now..I want to thank you all...I love you guys so much..You help me, you heal me.
love NIta

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now (HD)

I have one thought for today:

Psalm 71:1
In You, O Lord, I take refuge.

I am still alive, but it is still really hard right now. I am fighting hard to make things better. I will be back again. I will.

Love Always, Nita

Hope

This past Summer I was ready to give up on life. I was despondent over losing John..And over Elizabeth's health. I closed down. And it has been really hard for me to get it back together. Elizabeth is sick again, her doctor thinks she may have leukemia.

I am at a point where I am just feel devastated in life. I feel worn down by circumstance. I feel like I am losing everyone I love and I can't do anything about it. But somehow, I get up each day. I take a bath I get dressed and I do what I have to do.

But I feel weak..Like i need people to take me under their wing..

I need hope right now more than I have ever needed it.

love Nita

Mousetown (part 4)

The cemetery was 2 miles into the woods.It lay beside an ancient creek. There was a huge piece of sandstone in the center of the creek as big as a house, It was magnificent.

The cemetery was surrounded by giant oak trees. They stood guard like centurions over the 12 people buried there.

"Maggie was 14 when she died giving birth to the her baby. Who died the same day she was born. Her baby's name name was Helen" I said to Doug as I sat down on a pink granite boulder situated by their grave.

I took the old roses out of the green bronze vase that I had brought the week before and threw them into the woods..

I took some plastic flowers out of my backpack that I had purchased from my lunch money and arranged them neatly in the ancient vase. I liked them..They were purple Spider mums.


Doug read aloud the date of Maggie's birth and death and that of her baby.


Maggie LaFlamme
born March 15, 1890
died October 20, 1904


Helen LaFlamme
born October 20, 1904
died October 20, 1904

"Wow, it is really sad that she was so young when died." He sat down by me and we studied her grave.

"I think the lamb on top of the baby's grave makes me the saddest." I said.

"She never even had a chance to live. And I always wonder what the circumstances were behind their deaths." I looked at Doug and he had tears in his eyes.

"I had a sister die as an infant and my Mom never got over it. She has never been the same. Maybe it was better that they both died at the same time." He hastily wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

We were sitting so close together that I felt the warmth of his body through my clothes.

"Sometimes life sucks.." He whispered.

"Do you ever wonder why we are on earth?" I asked him quietly.

"Yes, all the time. I often wonder why I exist." He stared off into the distance deeply reflective.

"Even when I am home, I'm alone." He said hollowly.

"I know what you mean, my parents are never home. And when they are they don't notice if I am there. One night I camped out by myself in the woods. And they never even noticed I was gone." I stared at the dead ferns surrounding the oak tree in front of me.


" And school is torture for me..I am shy and awkward and it is hard for me to make friends. So I feel like I really have no place in the world." I said the words that I had wanted to tell someone forever..

I looked over at him and he was chewing his fingernails.

He stopped chewing long enough to say. "Why do you think I hang out in trees?"

We both looked at each other and laughed. A really good laugh the kind where you laugh so hard you cry. And it felt good.

(to be continued)

by @Nita Barrow- Zimmerman

Tonight's song Open Your Eye's by Snow Patrol

I hope you have time to listen to it..

Making Goals Winner..

Patti if you would e-mail me your address I will get your package in the mail. My camera has been acting up so I never got to post everything...But Elizabeth drew names for me...And she drew yours..
xoxo Nita

P.s I have part 4 and 5 done on Mousetown...I will post part 4 this week..

Part 3 Mousetown..

"My love is dark. His eyes consume me in the night. He wakes, and clutches me to his frail but strong body, and the way he trembles wakes me. His lips crush mine in the semi lightened room. Then he cries. Cries for a terror he cannot talk about it. He is consumed with pain, pain in his heart, pain in his spirit. But he holds it in..He is mine. But Yet, only his own."

I walked to the woods the next day..My purple scarf glistened in the sun because of the silver strands woven through it. The way it glimmered and cast light upon my powder blue jacket mesmerized me.

I saw him in a tree opposite of the one he had been in the day before. He was sitting with his legs drawn up to his chest and had both of his arms wrapped around them. I climbed into the tree across from him. I leaned against the base and put one leg up and let the other dangle.

We sat that way for a few minutes, studying one another.

Then he said something I didn't expect.

"You know there are billions of people in the world, yet we are all so fucking alone." His lip trembled when he said that. Then he quickly laughed to cover it.


My heart stood still for a moment, because I felt the same exact way. I felt it in such a depth I wanted to drown in sorrow.

I wished I could tell him at that moment of how I cried myself to sleep every night because I had no friends, of my lack of ability to reach out.

"So who is it today Emma?" He smiled, a sweet crooked smile.

"Just me, I wanted to see if you would like to explore some of the woods with me. I know where a waterfall is and some cliffs that we could climb.. Maybe take some photos of the wildlife?" I smiled at him. My best smile. The one I reserved for those I truly cared about.


"I don't have a camera, but I would love to explore the woods with you. I have always liked Nature." He smiled back at me then. A kind smile but filled with untold sorrow.


We began to walk the path I had worn down. As we walked, I kept casting glances at him occasionally, and I tried not to get caught.

He looked good. He had on a black tee shirt and had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in one sleeve. The sleeve closest to me. He had on faded blue jeans with one knee ripped out. His hair was wild, but somehow looked neat too.

I noticed his long thin fingers. And wondered if he played an instrument.

His finger nails were clean and trimmed. I liked that. It said he cared about his appearance.

He was pale, dark circles were under his eyes.

"Why the dark circles?" I asked him quietly.

He looked at me with a deeply sad expression. " Oh, I don't sleep well. Insomniac.
I get lucky sometimes and sleep for 5 hours but mainly get 2 or 3 hours of sleep at night. Then I just cat nap throughout the day." He looked away from me quickly. Maybe embarrassed by revealing that to me.

He looked straight ahead and kept talking. " It makes me feel weak at times, ya know? Like I am always running low on energy." He looked at me then with a sad wistful smile.

And my heart ached- I wanted to trace my finger down his gaunt cheekbone. Not in a sexual way, no, in a pure way. But I refrained. I clutched my hands in my pocket instead.

I looked away quickly. I didn't want him to read my eyes. They said way too much.

by @ Nita Barrow- Zimmerman 2010
(to be continued)




Today's song, Gravedigger by Dave Matthews
Truly wonderful song...

Please Pray..

Update: Dad is doing better...The surgery went well..Thank you for all of your prayers.
love Nita

Please pray for my Dad he has to have emergency surgery this morning. He needs all the prayers he can get.


Love Nita

Part 2.. Mousetown

I was laying in a hollowed out log that I had lined with an old blanket. I had on my best Lady Guenevere dress, and a lace veil over my face. I had my hands over my chest like I was dead. I was wishing and willing my death. I wanted to escape..It was a very Anne Shirley moment.

Suddenly I heard a branch start to crack a few feet from me. I removed the veil and sat up and looked into the brown eyes of a boy I had never meet before. I jumped up from the log startled.

The boy was laying on the branch sideways, with his head propped up by his hand, as the branch continued to crack. He had on wire framed glasses, and his dark brown wavy hair framed his face perfectly.

I was made immediately mad by the smirch on his face, and that he began to clap his hands..Even though he almost fell out of the tree to do it.

"So what is it today? Lady Guenevere, I'm guessing from your get up? What was it yesterday? A lonely lady from Ireland... You practising that accent almost drove me crazy!" He was still laying on his side, the branch still creaking.

"Excuse me ? I don't even know you and if you dislike my pretending so much why do you wish to spy on me?" I felt my face go flaming red. Please leave now!"

He started to laugh so hard that the branch began to creak even more.

I wanted the branch to break and for the smirk on his face to be wiped off.

Instead he jumped nimbly out of the tree and landed on his feet perfectly. He was a few inches taller than me, and I had to look up to meet his eyes.

" I am sorry, can we start over? My name is Doug. I live down the road from you, I just moved here. I notice you going into these woods all the time so I decided to follow you one day. I have seen you do a lot of weird things. But out of all these bozos around here I like you the most."

My face was still flaming, but I felt in my heart that maybe I had found a friend.

I reached my hand out to meet his.." My name is Emma. No more laughing at me ok?"

At that I turned around and ran as fast as I could from the woods. I ran so fast I lost the lace veil. The dress began to come off so I tore it from my body and threw it into some bushes. Good thing I had jeans and a tee shirt on underneath.

(to be continued)

by @Nita Barrow-Zimmerman



The song goes with the story..hope you have time to listen..love Nita

Mousetown..

Mousetown, the place where I grew up.

A place of desolation, tribulation and molestation of the mind, body and soul and spirit.

A place that broke me into a million tiny pieces. But, I learned to glue myself back together one shattered scattered piece at a time.

I was what most people in our fair community considered an outcast. While most girls my age where reading sappy love stories I was reading, The Good Earth by Pearl Buck. And while they were doing cheer leading practice I was running through the woods..Breakneck pace. Feeling the wind rush over my hot face. Feeling so alive.

I was eccentric to them..

Winter was the worst in Mousetown.It always is in small Midwestern towns.
The snow and freezing temperatures can make a person just want to curl up into a ball and sleep till Spring.

The sun..though, by God, it did shine bright there. I will give it that.

But any foul weather can break a spirit at times. Even the grey, cloudy, rainy weather of the North Western states.. That rain can beat your spirit to smithereens, like any school yard bully does.

Trudging through rain puddles on the way home from school I would always stop at Ritterscamp Heights, a fancy name for a set of woods that lay beside my home.

I would listen to the song of the Robins in Spring there. Closing my eyes and letting their song take me over. Tears would course down my cheeks for longing to be one of them. Fly away from my sorrow, my sins, my horror at everyday life.

Life is a great mixture of happiness and sorrow, for which I guess we are the better for. If we don't have sorrow how can we ever truly appreciate the great moments of happiness we have.

And when we have those moments of happiness, they carry us through the sorrow.
They remind us life is bearable. That maybe, just maybe we will live to be happy again.

by @ Nita Barrow- Zimmerman

(to be continued)


song for the day.....Lover You Should Have Come Over by Jeff Buckley
hope you have time to listen to it....feel it..i do

Self Portrait... Song..and Goals

I took this portrait through an antique mirror I have in my hall..I love the old faded look of the mirror. I have been experimenting with lighting and shades of colors.


I have lost 45 pounds this past year.

Goal: I want to lose more by the end of next year...Not for vanity but to be healthy.

Goal: To blog everyday..and to visit my friends on blog everyday or at least a couple of times a week

Prizes for Goal setting: If you leave a comment your name will be added in. I will draw names at the end of the month.

Back to prizes: Quilt top, cookbook, material, tea cups...There is more..I will get pictures added soon.

Love Nita