I have this ache in my heart..It's been there all day
well, in actuality, it has been there my whole life

This feeling of utter and complete aloneness

I sit here and smoke a cigarette as I write this..The smoke making rings above my head. I gave myself a deadline to quit. 3 weeks.

I was with my friend Genia all day and I saw a good friend we went to grade school with at the store..We hugged and i was so happy to see her. And she was happy to see us.

She was a grade lower than me in school and I just loved her. She was a kind and sweet soul.

People were mean to her for no reason.

And I was this girl who would kick somebody's ass if they were mean to the people who did not deserve it. And I did it more than once. It is sad but where I grew up that is all people understood. And it killed me inside. I wanted to be able to talk. But they didn't understand that.

And I could never stand by while someone was being persecuted. If they were getting beat up. I jumped in the middle and took their part. I would say. "You want to pick on someone pick on me." Bloodied and scratched I walked away winning. I felt like God's avenging angel.

I look back on those days and I see I made a difference. One of my best friend's was gay. And people were mean to him. Until I took him under my wing. I was only  5'5 and weighed 130 pounds but I had no fear. And, I have a strong spirit. And I learned the art of intimidation early. Very early. And at times that was all I had to do to stop someone from being mean to another.

People are mean out of ignorance. And prejudice. Those are two very ugly words. The worst to me. Every single person I have ever meet I have learned from them. I took away the good and tried hard to leave the bad behind me.

I think back on those days. And I am often very sad. I was like a grown up in grade school. I never felt young until I got older. Isn't that weird? I feel younger now than I ever have. Then I felt like I was 100.

I had so many plans...

I know we go through everything for a reason. But sometimes it just seems too much, doesn't it?

Been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to help people. I want to help women and children. I want to create a place in this town for women to go to get help. Girls who are searching for themselves. I want to help them. I don't exactly know how yet. I just know I want to help.

I have many skills. And my friend Genia has many skills too. We talked about this all night.

But this loneliness still pervades in my soul. I think most people who were born to lead suffer from it. Really .

I want to do what is right in life. To soothe the heartache of another is my greatest joy.

I will never let anyone  turn me into something I am not. Ever again. I write my own language.

Violence won't be needed now. I have learned to fight with words and paper. But there are those who still persist in violence. It is all they understand. I understand a better way now.

Back then there was no other option. You had to act or someone was going to get hurt. And if I got hurt helping another soul who couldn't defend themselves. I didn't care. Because my Mother taught me to defend the weak and powerless in life no matter what the cost.

What kind of people are we if we don't defend the weak and the powerless? We are cowards.

And I refuse to be a coward. I just put my plans in God's capable hands because I know if I commit them to Him, He will make them succeed.

Nita